1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:05,139
Hi. Today's special
is clam chowder,

2
00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:08,476
and today's advice
is don't eat it.

3
00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:11,512
Do you have eggs Benedict
cumberbatch?

4
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,647
[Laughter]

5
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:16,184
You are really killing it
tonight, Mary,

6
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:19,320
and leaving no evidence.
[Laughter]

7
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,355
We're coming
from Sherlock-con.

8
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,757
It's like comic-con,
but for Sherlock Holmes fans.

9
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,793
So it's way cooler.

10
00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:27,661
Excuse me for a sec.

11
00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,306
There's another waitress here
who is gonna be

12
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,332
a big fan of all of this.

13
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,669
You're welcome for what
I'm about to show you.

14
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:39,107
Look, guess what they are.

15
00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:42,443
Time-traveling lesbians.

16
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:43,644
We're not lesbians.

17
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:46,514
I am.

18
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,717
What is this?
What just let out?

19
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,486
A sale at the burlington
coat factory?

20
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,755
They're Sherlock Holmes
super-fans

21
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,224
coming from a convention,

22
00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:58,159
which means there are
a lot of cats

23
00:00:58,192 --> 00:00:59,860
home alone right now.

24
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,562
Well, I'd say the only mystery

25
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,697
is who here gets laid the least.

26
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,800
Hello.

27
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:10,238
Cracked it, Watson.

28
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,540
(peter bjorn and John)
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

29
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:13,807
[cash register bell dings]

30
00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:17,578
* ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh *

31
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:24,718
one of those Sherlock ladies

32
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,420
left her carpal tunnel
brace in here.

33
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:28,156
No address, but there's
a card that says,

34
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:31,725
"in case of emergency,
dial 1-800-chocolate."

35
00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:34,328
And I'll take that.

36
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:35,563
Okay, everybody.

37
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:36,730
It's that time again...

38
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:40,401
The diner's big spring clean!

39
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,304
Oh, my god, has it been
six years already?

40
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,273
Too bad i just developed
carpal tunnel.

41
00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:47,341
Max, do you think
you can fake a stroke?

42
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,742
Fake a stroke, fake an orgasm,

43
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,312
basically anything that will
get me out of work.

44
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,614
Okay, we have lots
of chores to do,

45
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,416
and somebody will have
to double up,

46
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,551
because Earl asked me
not to speak to him

47
00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:59,487
for the rest of the night.

48
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:04,358
Didn't i tell you to keep
my name out your mouth?

49
00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:07,228
So, girls, what do you say
we make it fun, huh?

50
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:10,498
I'll read a chore.
You raise your hand.

51
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:14,134
Scrape the fat puddle
from under the stove!

52
00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:18,572
No takers?

53
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:20,274
Next.

54
00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:24,845
Clear the spider community
in the walk-in!

55
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:27,415
No takers?

56
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,649
Next.

57
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,318
Clear the spider community

58
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:33,387
in the dish room!

59
00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:35,656
No takers?

60
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:38,392
Han, sorry, i can't clean.
I have carpal tunnel.

61
00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:39,969
The doctor says
i can't put any pressure

62
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:44,465
on my wrist.

63
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,734
And i can't clean either, han.
It's my jaw.

64
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,270
I've got real bad "t.M.Z."

65
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,305
Oh, you girls
are so full of crap,

66
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:54,708
like that third stall
in the men's room.

67
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:57,545
Any takers?

68
00:02:57,578 --> 00:03:00,681
She was so friendly
in the job interview.

69
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:06,987
Bonjour, Max.

70
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,522
Oh, chef Nicolas.

71
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:09,999
Why am i seeing you
outside of pastry school?

72
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,392
Is it about my flan?

73
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,661
Because no one likes
that stuff anyway.

74
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:14,995
Oh, no, that's not why I'm here.

75
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,530
I want to speak to Caroline.

76
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:18,799
But, yes, i gave your flan
a "c" -minus.

77
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:20,234
It was flat.

78
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:22,736
Hmm. I'll go get her.
Wow.

79
00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:26,407
First time a teacher's
ever called me flat.

80
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,443
Ow, ow, ow!
Oh, my wrist!

81
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,479
Oh, i thought you were han.

82
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:34,448
Please, I'm twice the man he is.

83
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:35,716
Nicolas is here.

84
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,418
What? No, no, no!

85
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,019
He can't be in my personal life!

86
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,597
I'm having a hard enough time
avoiding working with him

87
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:41,855
at pastry school.

88
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:45,025
Did i just call the diner
my personal life?

89
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,560
I think so.
I wasn't listening.

90
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,396
So what do i tell him?

91
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,407
Tell him he's married, and i
don't go out with married men.

92
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,041
Tell him what we had
was a passing flirtation.

93
00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,502
Tell him now it's over,
and he has to move on.

94
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:57,705
Got it, you died
in a grease fire.

95
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,873
She's not here yet.

96
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,575
Oh, well, will she be coming?

97
00:04:01,609 --> 00:04:04,912
Will she be coming?
Nope, not anytime soon.

98
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:08,482
Okay, I'll text her.
Au revoir, Max.

99
00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,751
Sir, don't take this
the wrong way,

100
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:14,322
but you are
one fine-looking man.

101
00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,523
Well, thank you very much.

102
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:17,925
And back at you.

103
00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:20,894
Tell me something i don't know.

104
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:23,030
Look at this.
Nicolas already texted me.

105
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,599
"Will you have dinner?"
What should i do?

106
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,501
Just ignore it, like I'm doing
with that table

107
00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:30,003
that's flagging me down
right now.

108
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,773
I'm putting a stop
to this Nicolas thing.

109
00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,342
"I'll have dinner with you

110
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,410
when you leave your wife."

111
00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:39,413
And se-end.

112
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,615
If you ever say
"se-end" again,

113
00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:44,618
we're not gonna be
"fri-ends."

114
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,655
Hey, everybody!

115
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:50,624
I just got back from Sundance.

116
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,393
I saw ten mark ruffalo movies,

117
00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:56,029
and i got to watch
Catherine keener dj.

118
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,799
Whoever that is.

119
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,834
I was in an indie movie once.

120
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,870
Well, a guy filmed me
eating a sloppy Joe

121
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:05,473
in the dressing room
of a sport chalet.

122
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:08,642
Sophie, how did you get
into the Sundance film festival?

123
00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:11,078
Oh, I'm dating
one of the bigwigs.

124
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,913
He drives the miramax party bus,

125
00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:15,783
and he wears a big wig.

126
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:19,620
So I'm thinking about producing
my own movie.

127
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,755
You know, getting
into the biz, babe.

128
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:24,625
[Clicks tongue]

129
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,994
Sophie, if you need an actor,
let me know.

130
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:30,931
But I'll only do full frontal.

131
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:34,468
I'll also do partial frontal
or just penis close-ups.

132
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,373
And if you need someone
to play god, a judge,

133
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:41,008
or an old guy
sitting on a porch,

134
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,843
I'm your man.

135
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:45,846
[Upbeat alternative music]

136
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:47,981
*

137
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,017
Everyone, keep piping
your cakes.

138
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,452
Keep piping.

139
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:52,820
Max, vite, vite.

140
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,488
You need to pipe that more.
That's funny,

141
00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:55,832
because my high school
guidance counselor

142
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,125
told me i need to pipe way less.

143
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,594
Max, you are falling
behind today.

144
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:01,862
Where's your deke?

145
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,832
In my pants, where it always is.

146
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,400
Oh, you mean deke.

147
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,135
He's got the flu.
It's everywhere.

148
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:11,539
No one can shake it.
It's like Taylor swift.

149
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,474
Yeah, or pitbull.

150
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,075
Okay, everyone, that's time.

151
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,978
I will see you all tomorrow.
Au revoir, class.

152
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:20,581
All: Au revoir, chef.

153
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,426
Let's go. Let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go.

154
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,485
Come on, come on, hurry.
Let's get outta here.

155
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:26,029
What's the hurry?
You sound like my mother

156
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,697
whenever the real people
who lived in the house

157
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,423
would come home.

158
00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:30,624
We need to leave now,

159
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:31,868
while Nicolas is in his office.

160
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,026
I don't want him to see me.

161
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,504
I said everything i needed
to say to him

162
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:35,696
in my last text.

163
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:39,500
Ooh, i smell scandal.

164
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,902
So I've been hiding
in the stairwell all day.

165
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,904
Guess where those stairs go.

166
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,773
A room where ten vietnamese
women are making

167
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:48,609
next year's "Prada."

168
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:51,979
And they do not like visitors.

169
00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:53,781
Oh, is that where you were?

170
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,183
'Cause he asked me,
so i told him you were pooping.

171
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:59,052
Max, don't tell him I'm pooping!

172
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,521
There's no shame
in it, Caroline.

173
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,990
Everyone poops.

174
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,925
I don't.

175
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:07,094
I just eat, digest,
and then an angel comes

176
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:10,464
and takes it away in the night.

177
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:12,199
Excuse me, John.
This is private.

178
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,734
It's just between us girls.

179
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:17,971
I know.
That's why I'm standing here.

180
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,215
Okay, I'm ready.
Let me just grab

181
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:20,674
the medicine i got for deke.

182
00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,743
Aw, that's sweet.
You got him antibiotics?

183
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,713
No, i got him Vicodin.
I want him to feel better.

184
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,147
I just have to make it
down the hall

185
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:29,020
until the elevator
without Nicolas catching me.

186
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,118
Oh, like sexual frogger.

187
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:35,022
Game over. Your frog
just got hit by a car.

188
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,857
Caroline, there you are.

189
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,868
I can't help feeling you're
avoiding me or something.

190
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:42,830
Avoiding you? No!
I've been...

191
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,833
Pooping.

192
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,636
For five hours?

193
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:52,706
She had a reluctant stool.

194
00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:55,843
Oh, is that not helping?

195
00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,020
Caroline, i have something
to tell you.

196
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:58,011
Can we talk?

197
00:07:58,045 --> 00:08:00,280
We're all waiting.

198
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,816
You know in your text
how you said that you won't

199
00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,685
have dinner with me
while I'm still married?

200
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,286
Better clear some space
on my dvr.

201
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,989
There's a new scandal.

202
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,658
Well, you can have dinner
with me,

203
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:13,527
because I'm leaving my wife.

204
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:16,830
[Gasps]

205
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:31,011
Uh, hello?
What happened?

206
00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,556
Dude told you he was
gonna leave his wife,

207
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,281
and you left faster
than Vladimir putin

208
00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:37,517
at a gay bar.

209
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:41,321
It's all a blur.
I blacked out.

210
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,923
I don't even know
how i got here.

211
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:45,258
I think i took the train,
but, Max,

212
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:49,897
i might have taken the bus.

213
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,264
It came out of nowhere.

214
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:53,333
I never expected him
to leave his wife.

215
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:55,669
It came out of your thumbs

216
00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:58,806
when you texted it to him.

217
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,273
Look, when i texted him that,

218
00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:01,909
i was just being flirty.

219
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:03,744
Flirty is me
not wearing underwear

220
00:09:03,777 --> 00:09:08,148
to the Times Square MandM store.

221
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:10,083
So you really don't want him
to leave his wife?

222
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:11,685
No!

223
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:14,021
I mean, sure, maybe
i fantasized about it,

224
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,789
but in my fantasy
we were on a ski trip,

225
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:17,200
and i was jumping
up and down, excited,

226
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:20,060
with my best friend
Jennifer Lawrence.

227
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,929
Cool, maybe call Jen next time

228
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:25,198
the possum traps you
by the garbage cans.

229
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:28,168
Look, i thought we were just
having a fun distraction.

230
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:32,039
You know, a couple kisses,
a dry hump here and there.

231
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:35,843
Oh, like the cheerleaders
with the good grades.

232
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,811
Exactly. I'm not the type
of person who wants him

233
00:09:37,845 --> 00:09:39,212
to leave his wife.

234
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,214
No, you're the type of person
who almost wants him

235
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,382
to leave his wife.

236
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,317
Yes! Yes, that's me!

237
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:45,953
I'm the "almost" girl.

238
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:49,222
I almost lost my virginity
25 times.

239
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,824
This was my conversation
with my friends

240
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,192
every Monday in high school:

241
00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:53,694
"Did you?"

242
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:57,064
"Almost."

243
00:09:57,097 --> 00:10:01,669
Funny, 'cause i almost
went to high school.

244
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,737
Max, i have to figure out
what to do about Nicolas

245
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,839
before he almost
makes a big mistake

246
00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:07,808
and leaves his wife.

247
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:10,811
He's not leaving
his wife for you.

248
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,846
It's just a thing you say
to pretty women

249
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,382
to get them into bed.

250
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:17,685
Like, "I'm a Russian prince,"

251
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:21,254
or, "that was a good story."

252
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,724
With a tank top collection
like yours,

253
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:27,260
I'm surprised
you have to say anything.

254
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:30,130
I know, right?

255
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,866
So you don't really think
he's serious about leaving her?

256
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:35,002
No. I've told
dozens of women

257
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,269
I'm leaving my wife for them,

258
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:40,007
and I'm not even married.

259
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,910
Here in America.

260
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,745
That was nice of Oleg.

261
00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:47,047
Just when you think you've seen
every part of a person...

262
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:50,283
'cause he's shown you
on his phone...

263
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:51,852
He surprises you.

264
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,020
Oh, i feel so much better.

265
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,421
Nicolas is not going
to leave her.

266
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,423
No, why would he
leave her for you?

267
00:10:56,456 --> 00:11:00,193
Well, you don't have to be
nasty about it.

268
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:02,062
[Cell phone jingles]

269
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,997
Max, i just got
another text from Nicolas

270
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,432
about him leaving his wife.

271
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:07,200
Oleg, now he says
he's telling his wife

272
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:10,070
tomorrow at 4:00
that he's leaving her.

273
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,039
You got a timeframe?

274
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:15,175
Oh, if he puts a clock on it,
it's happening.

275
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,277
Pick-up, cantaloupe.

276
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,847
Max, there's a clock on it.

277
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,314
But isn't his wife in France?

278
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,783
Yeah, but they Skype every day.

279
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,318
They're like the French jetsons.

280
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,888
He's gonna Skype
break up with her?

281
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:29,256
That is low.

282
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:32,225
And smart.
Might steal that move one day.

283
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:34,227
Oh, good, i see
your wrist is better,

284
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,729
and I'm gonna need some help.

285
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,297
The cleaning situation
has gotten

286
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:40,768
a little complicated.

287
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:44,137
The spider communities
are at war.

288
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:46,006
Han, i can't clean.

289
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,975
I'm in the middle
of ruining someone's marriage.

290
00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:51,078
Then, Max, please.
Things are escalating quickly.

291
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,813
There was
a discarded piece of ham,

292
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:56,817
and apparently both kingdoms
thought it was theirs.

293
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:59,820
Oh, no takers?

294
00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:01,197
All right, enough
with all this texting.

295
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,790
I need to stop this.

296
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:04,200
I have to go
over to his place tomorrow

297
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,358
and tell him face to face.

298
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,960
Tell him face to face?

299
00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,996
I don't even have sex
face to face.

300
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,969
I hope Nicolas takes my
breaking it off with him okay,

301
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:17,380
because in my fantasy
when i told him,

302
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,039
he wouldn't take no
for an answer,

303
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,449
bought me a plane,
and i gave Jennifer Lawrence

304
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:21,975
a ride home.

305
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:23,510
In my fantasy,

306
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,112
a talking dragon gave me a cape

307
00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,514
that belonged to Jesus.

308
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:29,316
But that's probably
because i took too many

309
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:32,452
of deke's Vicodin earlier.

310
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,788
The lobby told me
you were on your way up.

311
00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:36,990
Caroline, i did not expect you.

312
00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:39,860
But you knew I'd be coming?

313
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:42,462
We need to talk, and Max is here
for moral support.

314
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:43,864
I know how this works by now.

315
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,265
Come in.

316
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,100
Okay, how do i put this?

317
00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:49,136
How do i put this?
Nicolas,

318
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:53,206
i came here today to tell you...

319
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,408
To not do that.

320
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:58,145
But why?
I want you so much.

321
00:12:58,178 --> 00:12:59,880
Okay, you...
You don't want me.

322
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:01,148
You don't even really know me.

323
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,416
I do. You're sexy
and funny and pretty

324
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,885
and smart.

325
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:07,020
Okay, you know me a little.

326
00:13:07,054 --> 00:13:09,156
Look, i am not
the type of person

327
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,024
who breaks up marriages.

328
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,192
No, she's the "almost" girl.

329
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,461
She almost breaks up marriages.

330
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,329
Yes, yes, that's who i am.

331
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:17,898
So i don't want you
to make that call

332
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,175
and break up with your wife
over Skype.

333
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,201
I am not breaking up with her
over Skype.

334
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:24,037
Okay, great, perfect.
No Skype.

335
00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:25,305
No.
[Door buzzes]

336
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:27,941
Because that's her in the lobby.

337
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:30,978
I'm breaking up with her
in person.

338
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,386
[Door buzzing]

339
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,588
Oh, my god, that's your wife
in the lobby?

340
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,056
Your wife is here?

341
00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:44,224
What are we gonna do?

342
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,193
Calm down.
I can fix this.

343
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:47,871
You need a fake mustache,
a fistful of paprika,

344
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,362
and a new passport.

345
00:13:49,396 --> 00:13:50,874
If you don't have
all three of those things,

346
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:52,199
i can make it work with two,

347
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:55,168
as long as one of them
is a mustache.

348
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:57,170
There's no other way out.

349
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:58,972
Come on, Max, we have to get
out of here now.

350
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,008
Oh, oh, yeah, and, uh,

351
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:02,242
don't leave your wife for me.

352
00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,443
Whatever we had, it's over.

353
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,145
Oh, and...

354
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,655
This shouldn't reflect badly
on me in school,

355
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,082
'cause i worked hard
for that c-minus.

356
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,218
Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop.

357
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,520
Okay, but only because she just
got out of the elevator.

358
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:16,289
She can't find me here.
I can't be this girl.

359
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,959
I don't want to be the whore
he's leaving her for.

360
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,160
[Gasps]
That's my favorite

361
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,062
Dr. Seuss book.

362
00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:23,897
Caroline, what are you saying?

363
00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:26,133
You were just leading me on
this whole time?

364
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:29,369
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, pepe le pew.

365
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:32,205
And, yes, I've been saving
that one for after finals.

366
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:34,041
It is not just Caroline.

367
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,985
You're been chasing after her
harder than a fat kid

368
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:38,145
in a rolling doughnut contest.

369
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,480
That's true.
Wait, wait, Caroline.

370
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:42,015
Do we still have a shot or not?

371
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:43,216
No.

372
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:44,651
Then better go hide
in the bathroom.

373
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,386
I don't want this screwing up
my marriage.

374
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,188
Both: What?

375
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,665
Well, if you're not going
to be with me,

376
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,925
I'm going to have to stay
with my wife.

377
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:54,427
I mean, I'm a man.
I cannot be alone.

378
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:55,695
Now, go, go, go.

379
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,273
She cannot find you here
in our apartment.

380
00:14:57,297 --> 00:14:58,674
Why don't you just tell her
the truth,

381
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,300
that nothing happened
between us?

382
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,534
She will not believe me.

383
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:02,702
I have a history.

384
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,437
There are two of us here.

385
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:07,707
I also have that history.

386
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,142
[Knock at door]

387
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:10,310
Nicolas, c'est moi.

388
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,112
Now go, please.

389
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,422
That's the least you can do
after ruining my life.

390
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:15,648
Almost.
Almost ruined your life.

391
00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:17,017
Come on, Max.

392
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,286
This is totally inconvenient.

393
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:23,056
My "c" better go up
to a "b."

394
00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:29,462
This is crazy, us hiding
in a married man's bathroom

395
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:31,698
like a couple of cheap floozies.

396
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:34,067
So far, I'm just hearing
a factual depiction

397
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,436
of what's happening here.

398
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:39,439
Let me see what's going on.

399
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:42,942
[Both speaking French]

400
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,047
I can't understand them.

401
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,315
I thought you spoke French.

402
00:15:48,348 --> 00:15:51,451
Only enough
to impress Americans.

403
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,686
(juliette)
Je dois utiliser les toilettes.

404
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,422
Oh, my god.
Les toilettes.

405
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,257
Les toilettes,
that's where we are.

406
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,160
She's coming in here!
What should we do?

407
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:02,262
Pretend we're hot plumbers?

408
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,298
Hide in the shower.

409
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,472
I think she might notice us.

410
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,545
You know that's all glass,
right?

411
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,447
Let me just get you
a clean hand towel.

412
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,182
She has to pee-pee.

413
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:23,692
She can't come in here
to use the toilet,

414
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:26,319
'cause my life is in it.

415
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,021
I know, this is unfortunate.

416
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,256
So go out the window.

417
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:31,091
What?

418
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:33,026
It's not a problem.

419
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,670
There's a ledge wide enough
for you to walk

420
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:37,130
to the neighbor's terrace,
jump, and get away.

421
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:39,166
Stephanie did it.

422
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:40,667
Who's Stephanie?

423
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,635
That's... Not important.

424
00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,771
She's fine.

425
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:48,075
Now go.
You have to go.

426
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,752
Unless you think
you and i still have a shot.

427
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:53,246
I'll be on the ledge.

428
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,516
Come on, Max.

429
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:59,486
No way, not happening, Lucy.

430
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,521
If he loses his bad marriage,

431
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,190
I'm responsible.

432
00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:05,458
Almost.
Almost responsible.

433
00:17:05,492 --> 00:17:07,394
Max, i wouldn't even be
in this situation

434
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:09,229
if i wasn't working with him
to put you

435
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:10,463
through pastry school.

436
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:11,798
Oh, so this is my fault?

437
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:15,034
Max, please just let it
be your fault.

438
00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:22,342
It's completely doable.

439
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:25,145
By the way, it's raining.

440
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:26,479
Come on.
We can do this.

441
00:17:26,513 --> 00:17:27,790
We've crawled 15 feet
on our roof

442
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,282
to get illegal cable.

443
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:32,419
Yeah, for the breaking bad
finale!

444
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:34,454
Something worth dying for!

445
00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:38,425
Oh.

446
00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:40,493
Oh, my god, are you insane?

447
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:42,295
Get back in here!

448
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:43,763
Max, maybe you're right.

449
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:47,100
We should've taken
the hot plumber route.

450
00:17:47,134 --> 00:17:49,436
I'm coming back.

451
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,770
My legs won't go!

452
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,605
Max, help me back!

453
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:57,844
Damn it.
Damn it, bitch.

454
00:17:57,877 --> 00:17:59,746
[Speaking French]

455
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:03,850
She's in the bathroom.

456
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,518
Oh, she closed the window.

457
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:07,887
[Click]
And she locked it. So go.

458
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,589
Go, go!

459
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:13,193
If Stephanie did it, we can too.

460
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,362
I can't believe we're up here
all because of him.

461
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:18,198
I am such a bad judge
of character.

462
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,600
Of course you are.
I'm your best friend.

463
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,470
Max, I'm sorry.
This is bad.

464
00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,481
Well, at least it can't get
any worse, unless we fall.

465
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:26,673
[Thunder rumbles]

466
00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:28,875
Oh!
Or it starts to hail!

467
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:31,644
Ow! Ow!
Hurts like "hail!"

468
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:33,546
It's clear!
Come on!

469
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,748
[Whimpers]
I don't wanna die!

470
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,417
Me neither!

471
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,785
That's weird.

472
00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,253
For the first time in my life,

473
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:41,554
i don't want to die.

474
00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:43,390
I have a boyfriend
and my first "b."

475
00:18:43,423 --> 00:18:45,358
Oh, god, I'm getting soft!

476
00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:47,527
I can't die!
I haven't made my comeback yet.

477
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:50,163
In my fantasy, you and i move
into that penthouse i bought

478
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:51,498
from Jennifer Lawrence.

479
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,901
Right over there,
with the roof garden, see?

480
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,136
[Screams]

481
00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:01,508
[Screams]
Are you two all right?

482
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:05,545
I mean, whoever you are.

483
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,747
Am i dead?

484
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:10,750
Almost. Almost dead.

485
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:19,292
Oh, my god.

486
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:20,860
What happened to you two?

487
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,595
Well, we crashed
through a window.

488
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,431
It was pretty dope.

489
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:25,865
It was kinda like
a die hard movie,

490
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:29,269
if they ever let girls do
cool stuff in those movies.

491
00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:30,737
The necks all right?

492
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:33,206
We have whiplash, and i have
some bruises on my back.

493
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,275
Max took the brunt of the fall
but feels nothing

494
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:37,844
because she's mostly made
of Vicodin.

495
00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:39,746
Well, I'm glad you survived,

496
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,681
because i don't know
what i would do

497
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,949
without you around here.

498
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:46,219
Aw, thanks, Earl.

499
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:48,821
[Whispers]
I meant you.

500
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:51,558
I know.

501
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,526
Max, how were you
ever strong enough

502
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,295
to hold me up with one arm?

503
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:56,539
It's the arm i used to drag
my mother

504
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:59,566
out of bars with as a baby.

505
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,868
Well, i want to say
something to you.

506
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,604
I hope you know
that if you were the one

507
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,406
that slipped on that ledge...

508
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:09,576
I would be dead.

509
00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:13,346
Well, I'm glad that's
out in the open.

510
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,547
Everybody!

511
00:20:14,581 --> 00:20:18,618
I have an update about my life!

512
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:19,819
Oh, whoa.

513
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,621
What happened to you two?

514
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:24,357
Sophie, we had an accident.
It's a long story.

515
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:28,295
Yeah, all of yours are.

516
00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,496
(Sophie)
Well,

517
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,864
I'm out of the movie business.

518
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,767
I broke up with my bigwig
from miramax.

519
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,603
We got in a huge fight,

520
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:40,540
and he threw his big wig at me.

521
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:43,876
He told me I'd never eat lunch
in this town again.

522
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,313
And i said, "hey,

523
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:49,449
if I'm in town,
I'm eating lunch, baby!"

524
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,354
Oh, no.

525
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:57,056
No, no, no, i don't have
spider bites over half my body

526
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,792
so you two could fake
another injury.

527
00:20:59,826 --> 00:21:01,027
Nice try.

528
00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:03,029
Oh!

529
00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:06,566
Ooh, I'll bet that hurts.